Knowing What I Want

Living with one foot in God’s service, the other in mine, doesn’t make life very good. It is easy to live for me in theory. The reality is, living to please myself is pure misery and impossible to overcome by myself, willpower-ing my way to freedom that never will be. My will says “I can fix it,” as though I were a jack-of-all abilities. Being full of self brings out an ego-maniac trying to control outcomes and giving un-asked for advice.

The only thing worse is me with the one-foot in, one foot out of service to God in any capacity, recovery included.That is a lukewarm nonsensical life that leaves me totally wondering if I am on the right path. In this sorry existence, I question God’s will, procrastinate important decisions, fly off the handle at the slightest infraction from another. Half-spiritual, half carnal, fully idiotic, and yes, I have lived there.

“I know all of the things you do, that you are neither hot or cold. I wish you were one or the other! But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot or cold, I will spit you out of my mouth! ”     Rev 3:16 (NLT)

I know what I want today. Yet like every one that has decided to follow Jesus since the Church began, I struggle to do that “thing.” That thing is dying to self once and for all, no more struggling with recovering from additions, no thoughts of drinking, no more sneaking to smoke a cigarette, eating poorly, crushing my pride to powder, until all people see is Christ, not me. But I know that no good dwells in me, a slave to sin, controlled by….wait, hold it, just stop the rambling here.

What I want I have. Yes, I am learning that just as I am sober today, and having to die daily to drinking alcohol, I have to die to the desires of the flesh daily too. Honestly, I struggle in many areas, sin came embedded in my DNA, when I arrived here. As a child, sin was dead to me, not knowing right from wrong as an innocent youth.

Then, someone preached the Word to me. I was nine years old when sin came alive to me that night, and I died. That is, I died to God, separated by my sin from the Holy. The man said, come home to God, accept Christ tonight. I felt dirty inside and began to cry like an infant, spiritually I was. The little nine-year old, tears streaming, prayed that sinner’s prayer, and immediately felt clean, forgiven, unsure why. Discovery came with understanding later on.

I know I lived a foot in, a foot out until grace led me to recovery. God’s goodness brought me home. I discovered having what I really want. It was Jesus all along. The dying to sin is a process we always battle as believers. It is the fighting that counts, not laying down or yielding  ourselves to the ways of this world, that is hurling toward destruction. We need test ourselves whether we are in the faith or not…regularly. We have to know without question. The perks are wonderful, and like dying to self, it happens often along the journey. Each time we die to self, we go deeper in Him, from the “wow, thanks God,” to the “You are beyond AWESOME God!” I want that too.

You may be doing the foot-thing in and out. You won’t suddenly get the danger of your way. If you think everything is okay living full-blown for self, ignoring what pleases God, you become open prey for evil’s grip to tighten. You may not care about that until you want to break free. Today, right now, ask God for help, you will be contacted, and find what you really want.

2 thoughts on “Knowing What I Want

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